tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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