i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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