Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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