vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
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