i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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