Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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