cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
