apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
