Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
