Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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