You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
COCAINE IS GR8
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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