life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
