I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
