do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
