i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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