Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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