I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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