Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
