I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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