2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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