my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
