His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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