you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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