Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
that may or may not have been my penis.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
