Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
