I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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