Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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