I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
