when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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