I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
