I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
