uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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