I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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