big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
