im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
