i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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