If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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