i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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