Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Randomize
