I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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