After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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