Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
