Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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