I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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