I think I died a long time ago.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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