I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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