so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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