and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
