I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
