Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
