Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
