i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
