he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
