Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
