No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
