I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
