Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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